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So that could explain why I never read or heard anything about Wal-Mart's foray into the wonderful world of 'value wine' that had Oprah Winfrey gushing like a school girl at a Jonas Brothers concert. It's name? 'Oak Leaf' – an incredible wine at an even more incredible price…$2.97. Was this the stuff of Urban Legend, I asked myself? Like the legally blind old lady who thought a rat was a chihuahua and put a rhinestone collar around its neck and let it sleep at the foot of her bed? I had to find out. I carefully picked out an outfit I thought would be Wal-Mart appropriate. I chose a t-shirt with a horribly garish sports logo splashed across it and some extra long cargo shorts with too many pockets that were really designed for a much younger someone in a Hip Hop Clearasil commercial. I futilely searched for something with camouflage, but alas, no luck. Surveying myself in the mirror, I thought, something's missing. I know! A bright red baseball cap with an orange neon Nascar insignia on it! Ah… the perfect disguise. I suddenly felt like a secret agent on his latest assignment. Sort of a James Bond of the wine world. OO7 with a license to swill. My exotic foreign destination? Wally World! And oh, what a world it is. All colors, all shapes, all sizes of folks. Many of them Supersized. I suddenly felt like Alice in Wonderland as I headed back to the wine department. Had someone slipped me a tab of LSD? As I dodged screaming crying children and grotesquely overstuffed carts, I couldn't help but wonder… had Oprah Winfrey, herself, the richest woman in the world, gotten out of her stretch limo and personally waded into this sea of humanity just to purchase a bottle of bargain basement booze? Nah. She probably sent Gayle in – "Hey, who's the billionaire in this car, Gayle?" Suddenly I saw it. A display of hundreds of bottles of Oak Leaf, and, yes the price was still two dollars and ninety-seven cents. I reverently picked one up. Nice classy label. It said Napa, California on it. Very impressive. I started throwing bottle after bottle into my cart like a maniac. I believe I paused at 10 and then thought to myself, “ahh, live a little”… and threw in 10 more. That made 20 assorted bottles of wine for $59.40! I was absolutely giddy. And to anyone watching I must have looked like someone who just escaped from a rehab stint gone terribly wrong. Who cares? Who knows me here? I pulled my baseball cap way down over my face and lurched towards the check-out, my bottle filled cart shamelessly clinking and clanking all the way there. Once home, I chilled the white and uncorked the reds and set up my informal wine tasting. First the Chardonnay--(which won the Gold medal at the San Francisco Wine Competition!): Not at all oakey or cloying with a nice crisp finish. Indeed a winner! Next, the Chenin Blanc/Pinot Grigio blend – notes of pear and apples. Delicious, light, bright, & refreshing. I liked it! No… for $2.97, I adored it!! Then, on to the reds. First the cab. Uh oh. A little thin. More like a Pinot. Still good, but not enough structure for a cab. When I stopped thinking of it as a Cabernet, I enjoyed it. Add it to Sangria and shut up! It's only three bucks for God's sake. I saved the Merlot for last. It was delicious! (Awarded top honors at the Hilton Head Wine Fest.) I could see why. It tasted like a much more expensive Merlot. You could actually take this to someone's house! Someone you even liked. Surveying my grapeful bounty, I called a bunch of friends for an impromptu party. It was wonderful not to resent them as they threw back glass after glass after glass. Before I knew it, I was back at Wal-Mart buying case loads more. But still I kept asking myself one question: How can they sell it this cheap? Don't they have to grow the grapes, pick the grapes, crush the grapes, pay for the bottling, labeling, corks, and shipping? Huh?! Oh well, I don't know and I don't care. This former locavore has gone loco. Thank you, Oprah… thank you Wal-Mart… and thank you mysterious, secretive Wine Conglomerate that doesn't even have a web address for giving us Oak Leaf. Wait till you try it, you'll thank them too. Whoever they are. Cheers! |
Okay, I admit it. I live a bubble that floats over planet Earth and occasionally touches down only long enough for me to hear the latest ominous forebodings from the Bad News Bears at CNN before I take off once more to find comfort in Grapeland.
2 comments:
Terry, I hope this gets to you and Lanier. I met you in Austin, TX during the Big Stinkin' Comedy Festival. I drove you guys out to the LBJ Gardens for the day.
Anyway, you were there scouting talent and asked me to audition, even though I was not there with a troupe. It was one of the big highlights of my life. I am sure that audition is somewhere in the worst auditions ever pile, but a great story none the less.
Later that night you introduced me to Charna Halpern and offered me a couch in LA while and I went to Second City and looked for a job. 3 days later I met the woman I am now married to and never came out. It is 12 years later I just started taking an improv class here in Austin at the Hideout Theater.
Not sure why I wrote this, but I just wanted to say thank you so much for believing in me and being so gracious.
Carter @ cartertx dot com
Hi Lanier, this post is so funny!
I went to grammar school with you at Pine Street. I remember you were kind and funny, and you were a swimmer and on a swim team. Anyway, I'm glad you hear that you are happy and successful. My name has changed but back then my name was Cathy Patton. Cheers and be well!
~ Aanel
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